Helping People You Know Leave:
"I believe those who haven’t encountered this group directly can very quickly see the warning signs and think “How the hell can anyone fall for this?”
This line of thinking the follows those who have joined and later on see the warning signs- they think “How the hell could I have fallen for this?”
This may make it harder to convince someone to leave. If they are directly or indirectly being told that they were naive, ignorant, or desperate enough to “fall” for cultic tactics, the cause for defensiveness on their side will naturally incline. Even if they do not grow defensive, these people are enduring an emotional trauma and critical self esteem can be wrecked by these words.
Cults thrive on the manipulation of human psychological needs. Vulnerability is not weakness- the need to show vulnerability in order to attain closeness with others is entirely natural. The strongest, smartest and most popular figures in society all hold this same need. IF you conduct any research on cult victims, you will find people of all nationalities, educational backgrounds, interests, core beliefs, occupations, etc. Countless insanely intelligent and seemingly social people have unfortunately fallen victim to countless cults.
I am not attacking any particular comment or idea, as I believe that everyone here has genuine and good intent. I simply hope that those who have not encountered this group understand that some are simply blinded from the warning signs entirely, or are incapable of seeing them. These stories prove that victims have encountered the group in various ways. Please do not place your judgment on any members or ex-members as “dumb” or inferior or any way.
I have witnessed many extremely intelligent, wonderful people join this group. A victim is a victim. They are not the perpetrators. No one who joined this is dumb for doing so. IF you want to help those in Xenos, it's important to raise the self-esteem of these good people who deserve to know that they are worth the exit. Reliance on the group is critical, so give them something else to rely on."
For Xenos Members:
You can lead a meaningful, fulfilled, and happy life outside of Xenos with rich friendships built on trust, mutual respect, and individuality.
Why you likely joined: Fun & Games, Social Relationships, a sense of purpose, meaning, higher calling and stability. The group seemed fun at first, but over time you realized it was sinister and emotionally damaging organization. And it is hard to choose between leaving the people you thought were your friends and staying in the group.
How to Leave: Write down your issues with the group, and review them. Spend time thinking how you can move-out of a ministry house. Reconnect with family and friends who you may have stopped talking to because of pressure from the group. Inform your parents if Xenos members are making it difficult for you to leave. Also because of the sexual repressive nature of Xenos you may become vulnerable.
Leaving Xenos will be a challenge and painful, but in the end it will be worth it. You likely have seen what happens to other members who leave, and how they are called "not dedicated" and how they questioned if they are Christian at all. Perhaps members will say you want to follow emotions and the world. You will watch the people you trusted turn against you, and this will hurt.
Leaving Xenos means leaving behind a man made group that is hurting you, that is all.
You are not walking away from God, Angry at God, Serving Your Body, Bitter, Wanting Wordly Things, or Selfish.
Staying in Xenos when you know it is hurting your own well being is unhealthy for you, because you are afraid of being alone. Respect yourself, and let go of this abusive relationship. It's time. There are many people who care about you, and the first person on that list should be you, so let go of this group, and be free.
1. Reach out to your Family, Anyone who has left, or a trusted friend outside of Xenos, talk with them about your situation, try to process what has been happening, and make a plan to move out of the ministry house.
2. Stop going to Xenos events. They will act sad and frumpy to try to reel you back in, but they will drop you as soon as you leave, leave now and spare yourself future pain.
3. Dating someone in Xenos means they are more likely to stay in the Church than continue to date you, leave first, and then ask them to join you.
4. Find a support group, start reading online about Xenos, Cults, and Recovery and start making steps to rediscover your life.
5. You will still have whatever issues that contributed towards you going into Xenos; these are likely related to family, loneliness, and angst.
6. Be careful of starting a serious relationship, drugs, or joining another group, as this could be a corrosive cycle. Reach out to a support network first.
7. Do not signal your intention to leave, this will create a swarm effect as your ministry house will close in around you to talk you out of it. Leave.
The symptoms you will have is fear and guilt. These excerpts from ex-members will show you the type of gas lighting you been under for so long.
- "I was involved in a high school group for quite some time and was even considering moving into a ministry house. I was pressured and made to feel like my life was absolutely meaningless if I chose a different path. Basically I was involved with Xenos and now about a year removed from leaving I can more clearly reflect on how the manipulative tactics of the group really ate away at my life, my friends lives, and my core identity."
- "Leaving Xenos was a lot like leaving an abusive relationship, and I know because I’ve done that too. They reel you in with love, isolate you from the outside world, and become your identity. They convince you that you need them and that everything outside of the church is dangerous and evil. There’s a lot of gas-lighting involved. They take up all your time and that separates you from reality further and further, making you easier to control and manipulate."
- A leader had a talk with me saying I have to choose between “complete dedication” and leaving, so you know what I chose"
- Everyone is super manipulative and there’s a total hierarchy, there’s such a stigma about people that “walk away” (leave) to stop people from leaving, and they’re looked down upon and dehumanized so much
- “I feel like I have no voice, no rights, no freedom. I've wanted to leave several times but every time I get to that point, I feel like i'm brainwashed into staying because XENOS is where "God has placed me" and by leaving, that would infer that im disobeying God or "walking away"”
- This ended up being the final straw for me. I told everyone I was leaving, and then faced a lot of backlash. When it came time to leave the house, they tried to tell me I had to pay rent even if I was not living in the house because of the house covenant I had signed. I told them that since I was not officially on the lease I was not paying. Or I would be happy to live there if I could have my own room, and not be a part of Xenos (this was obviously unacceptable).
Read this for some tips on how to deal with Xenos Members.
"I’m writing this as a mother of a former Xenos member. Me and my husband are Christians, active in a nondenominational church and my daughter was homeschooled and raised in this Christian environment. My daughter joined when she was attending cscc. A good friend of hers joined and convinced my daughter to join. At first she seemed to enjoy it and was very active with meetings and new friends. Throughout this time however maybe unknown to her house church she still attended church with us. After she moved into a ministry house I started to notice some changes with her. She became more anxious and afraid. She shared with me how she was pressured to go to parties and to “hang out” with certain guys that the leaders had wanted her to “hang out” with. Some of them made her feel very uncomfortable. She also didn’t like the living conditions at the house. Initially she was told she would share a room with her long time friend but the house leaders felt that wasn’t right so all five of them shared 1 small bedroom as an accountability kind of thing. It was high rent (paid to a xenos member landlord of course) to share a room with 4 other women. She started dating a classmate that wasn’t in xenos and was told she couldn’t date him and still be in the church. Under much pressure she told him she couldn’t see him but later ended up going against her church and dating him. I liked her boyfriend and thought it was really strange for a church to dictate who she dated when as her Christian mother who respects my childrens adulthood, I didn’t even do that. She was also tired of all the parties and commitments on her time when she was trying to go to college. With all the required parties and drinking, I thought it sounded more like a sorority then a church and told her to just leave and move back home.
When she told them she was leaving the church they told her she would need to move out and pay her share of the rent through the end of the lease. I called her landlord and asked him if he was kicking her out of the house because she was leaving the church and if so was he aware that that was religious discrimination. He told me he was not kicking anyone out of the house. With this knowledge I met with her roommates and informed them that the landlord was not kicking her out so they had two options: let her out of the lease or she would stay in the house and pay the rent under her own terms ie. not go to their church, have one of the spare rooms and date whoever she wanted. They told me it wasn’t possible for her to stay and not be part of the church and under the authority of the house leader. They brought up a church covenant she signed and I told them that we all knew that wouldn’t hold up in a court. I asked them if they thought that all of this was strange. I said my daughter is an active Christian going to a different church and you can’t be friends or roommates with other Christians that go to other churches. I told them when I was in college me and my roommates didn’t go to the same churches. I told them point blank that they must be part of a cult if they couldn’t live with another Christian just because they didn’t go to the same church.
Faced with only those two options they took her name off the lease and she moved back home. At the meeting with her roommates I saw how oppressive this environment had been for her. She was cowering in a corner like an abused dog especially when the house leader would talk. They wanted to talk with her alone but I wouldn’t have it. She has been out of xenos for over 6 years now and while much better still has issues with fear of people and anxiety that she didn’t have before Xenos. They took my beautiful child of God that before Xenos has been confident in her knowledge of Gods love for her and made her fearful and anxious with their intimidation and oppressive environment. I pray for her complete healing that she may be the wonderful and confident person that God created her to be. Confident in His love. Xenos is an abusive church run like a sorority and fraternity where people are made to be like puppets under leaders that have too much power and no relationship with God. They rule though intimidation and control. So thankful that my daughter maintained an open relationship with me through the whole experience and still attended our church. This gave her wisdom and a Christian experience outside of xenos that helped her to recognize that it was an abusive cult and gave her a desire to leave."
Your family cares about you, and wants you to leave.
It is worth repeating, your family cares about you and wants you to leave.
Nation Suicide Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Nation Suicide Hotline Website: [Link]